Faulty Chair?

In our office we have these nice adjustable chairs with a pretty wide wheel base at the bottom, so they are very stable. Stable enough that you should be able to fall asleep in them without falling out (Don't ask how I know). Apparently that is not stable enough for Martin. This morning he went to get out of his seat and while pushing away from his desk the back wheel got caught on a pen ( or cord?) and his chair flipped over with him still in it.

We've try to recreate the incident, but can't seem to figure it out.... Don't worry, Martin was not injured.

Also worthy of note, Martin was running late to work this morning, so he hurriedly tried to get dressed while working his way towards the door. He started to put on his hooded sweatshirt as he was going down the stairs only to find that he was putting it on backwards. Naturally, with a hooded sweatshirt on backwards one cannot see where they are going. Thus, Martin ran smack into the wall. Again.... Don't worry, Martin was not hurt.

Barn Burner part II

This is the final entry for Martin's two year accidental arson spree occurring in his youth from ages 9-11 (No pun intended...but it does seem to fit). After Martin torched the barn the first time, the family put up another barn since they lived on a farm and needed one. Apparently, they did not learn their lesson the first time and built the new barn with wood.

The next conflagration is a little different from the previous ones in that the previous ones were "freak" accidents whereas this was more of an accident caused through pre-adolescent stupidity. Martin had learned (in boy scouts, I believe... I wonder what badges he earned...) how to start a fire with materials other than matches (...of which he was, apparently, already an expert). He wanted to test his new skills, of all places, in the barn where no one could see him to see if could make a flame thrower. So he got a hold of a flint, a piece of steel, and some aqua-net and went to work. And, as you would expect, it didn't take him long to roast the barn ... again.

This time his parents learned their lesson and made a new barn out of metal..... not that Martin couldn't find a way....

All Hands Meeting

Another post from the Contracts guy....

So there we were, enduring yet another gut-wrenching “all hands meeting.” Clearly, this is not exactly the most effective use of time, particularly when you’re sitting on Wal Mart plastic funeral chairs that were designed to make mourners even more miserable, rather than offer an inviting spot to plant your big fat ass. The boss says his piece, then finishes with this line: “Well, that’s all I have, if anybody has questions…” Now a sane, rational person would seize on this golden opportunity to shut the fuck up and allow the segway into our departure to take control, but as we know, Martin has special qualities that prevent him from doing anything of the sort.

It’s not important what Martin asked the boss, and even less important what the boss said. What IS noteworthy here is the subsequent flood of questions from others. Everyone was quite content to let the meeting die out so we could make our hasty retreat, but events tend to take control of life. Like the sword of Damocles, Martin piped up with some prattle about outsourcing and killed us all.

“NO!” I screamed, “Don’t do it!” But it was too late. Like the Eder dam, pounded by the concussion of British demolition bombs in WWII, leaks began to appear. Soon, the rivulets became a torrent, and all the weasel-shit attendees spewed forth their inane snivels, thanks to Martin’s sense of timing, and his willingness to complete his pathfinder mission. In seconds, a dim-witted fat bastard engaged the boss in a spirited exchange of ideas regarding vacation time, and another tapped his toe, waiting for a chance to further fuck it up for all of us.

Meanwhile, Martin took the liberty of leaving the building. Like the snotty little neighborhood kid who runs through your back yard with a broomstick, beating the shit out of hornet’s nests and running away, he was spared the venom of the sting – we were left to deal with the aftermath. Plans are being made at this very moment to pay Martin off for his corrupted views on meeting etiquette. It will be bloody…

Martin the Track Star???

We have not yet confirmed it, but we believe that it is Martin in this video:

http://www.break.com/index/celebrateearly1.html

Class(less) Action Lawsuit

I am the contracts manager here where we all toil. As the resident scab-knee ambulance chaser, I am frequently besieged by cheapskate buggers in need of free legal advice, and Martin is no exception. However, Martin’s request was slightly removed from the typical “how do I stay out of jail” questions, compelling me to submit for inclusion here.

As we all know, Martin has routine health issues and challenges that are often unfortunate and unavoidable. The list is lengthy, but collectively, the guy’s a wreck. Most of us have some degree of disappointment with how the gene sequencing went when we were conceived, but Martin is different – he has decided to do something about it. Recently, he stopped by my office to ask how he should proceed with a lawsuit against his parents. On what grounds, you ask? “Genetic disadvantage.” That’s right – he wanted to find out whether he could bring a civil action against his mom and dad for handing him less-than-optimum physiology.

Naturally, I was tempted to squirt gasoline on this bizarre, neurotic fire, but I decided to play along. “So you want to drag your own Maw and Paw into a courtroom and savage them in front of a judge and jury because you’re irritated with your physical shortcomings, is that right?”, I asked him. Martin’s response was immediate: “Hell yes!” he said.

The imagery this scenario produces in the mind’s eye is worth the trip. Envision Martin in a suit, leaning jauntily against the witness box, grilling his own mother. Nevermind the fact that a lot of people, spanning hundreds of years of family progression, all contributed in some way to the design and manufacture of Martin. Ignore the self-destructive habits he enjoys. Just visualize “Martin vs. Martin” , coming to a courtroom near you…

Hot Pants!

It seems there is a theme to Martin's mayhem--fire. Martin was relaying a story to me about this one time at band camp...

Martin was driving his car and had a buddy sitting with him in the front passenger seat. The windows were down, the radio was on and they were cruising down some country lane.

If it hasn't been mentioned before, Martin likes to smoke, and naturally, what better way to accentuate a nice drive than to enjoy a cigarette. He's done, so he flicks the 'butt' out the open window.

A few minutes later his friend begins to shriek in pain about his crotch being on fire and starts batting at his lap. Evidently the butt Martin flicked out the window got sucked back into the car and landed in his buddies lap where it smoldered for a few minutes before it burned through his jeans then heating up his tender bits.

Martin said he learned a valuable lesson that day; to always flick your butts straight up... uh, wouldn't the lesson have been not to flick butts at all?

Grandma iCandy?

Martin just stormed in my office and said he is being a good employee by letting me know there was this iCandy in one of our co-worker's cube for some reason and I needed to check it out.

So off we went starting up a make-believe conversation so we can stop in front of said cube and check out this sexy woman that Martin was so excited about. One thing everyone needs to know, there are no hot women here where we work so anything that comes remotely close to attractive, the guys are all over it. Some employees (I will not say the name) take it a bit further and hit on anything that moves, but that's a different story for a different time.

As we finally make it to destination iCandy we stop in front of her cube and I position myself to check her out. As I turn my head, my eyes got a rude awakening looking at a woman that looks like someone's grandma with a skirt on. Immediately "mission is aborted" and we return back to my office as I turn to Martin and tell him how sick of a man he is and she looked more like Grandma iCandy. Martin swore she looked a lot better when he first glanced over and maybe 20 years ago she was hot.....I would say more like 40 years ago, but hey if grandmas are what catches Martin's eye, more power to him.

Cable Guy

So I had Martin help me connect up my brand new 42" Plasma tv.....yes, I know, asking Martin to help help me with my new expensive tv, what was I thinking.... but hey I was desperate and didn't have any money to hire someone.

Anyways, he came over in the morning while my wife was still sleeping upstairs and we worked on all the wires in the back of the entertainment center. I went to go check on my wife about 10 minutes into it and she asked "are there like 6 people downstairs cause its so loud?", to which I told her no it's just Martin. She was shocked at this beast downstairs that was so loud that the walls were shaking.

So I went back downstairs to work with Martin on the Plasma connections and we had moved my couch all the way in front of the Entertainment center so we can lean the Plasma on it while working on the wires. Martin then bent down between the couch and the entertainment center so he can connect the wires to the back of the plasma and this is what I next hear:

"Hey Boss, can you push my head up". To which I said what?? He then informed me that his body was stuck between the couch and the entertainment center and he could not move up and needed me to push his face upwards so his body would get unstuck and stand up straight. Apparently Martin tried to move his body up on his own but since his knee was locked and stuck against the entertainment center, and he couldn't reach the ground with his other foot to leverage and get up. So his one leg was kinda dangling between the couch and the floor and he was moving his foot back and forth violently but with no luck.

So after laughing for awhile, I finally pushed his face up and he finally was no longer stuck. I quickly realized I took a big gamble having Martin help me out, not only for my Plasma's sake but for Martin's own sake.

The Gods Must be Crazy!

Have you ever seen the movie "The Gods Must be Crazy"? If have not seen this classic, it's a movie where a pilot drops a coke bottle out of his plane near a small bushman tribe in Africa. They find the bottle and find that it is useful that they began fighting over it and it quickly becomes a big problem. The head bushman decides that the bottle must go and takes off to throw it off the end of the earth (the ocean).

The next event of Martin's accidental arson spree took place within a year of the previous incident and is reminiscent of the bushman tribe's tribulations brought about by the exact same object. Martin and his brother found a coke bottle on his street and decided to play baseball with it. Martin ended up knocking it into a neighbor's wheatfield ending their coke bottle baseball game. The difference between Martin's story and the movie was that Martin's problems did not begin until after the coke bottle was disposed of. Apparently, when the bottle went into the neighbor's field it was summer time and conditions were hot and dry. Somehow the bottle magnified the rays of the sun and a few hours later the wheatfield was ablaze. It ended up taking out about 75% of the neighbor's crop. The fire department identified that it was the coke bottle that started fire, but Martin was never identified as the culprit. Martin finds solace in the fact that the neighbor had insurance, so all of the loss was covered and it saved them considerable harvest work.

Miscellaneous Martinisms

Martin just came by my cube and said he had pulled his hamstring today when he attempted to give a coworker a little kick for making a smart comment.

He also revealed that when he had seen the "Blair Witch Project" at the theater all the camera motion made him sick enough that he threw up on himself while seated in the theater. He said he then had to leave early because he couldn't stand the smell... Not sure why he couldn't make it to the bathroom to throw up.

All in a day's work...

Barn Burner

Evidently, the church incident was not Martin's only fire incident during his youth. In fact, it was only the tip of the iceberg. The "Soul of Fire" entry got his wife to give us a couple more leads for other occurrences that Martin had not shared with us yet. Thanks Adena!

The next incident occurred within a year after the church incident. Martin's family lived on a farm which included a barn. Apparently, there was no power to the barn, so a kerosene lamp was used for lighting. One evening Martin left the barn and closed the door behind him, however, he had difficulty closing the door and slammed it in order to get it shut. This, apparently, knocked the lamp off of the wall without him knowing.

A little while later they looked out of the window and saw that the barn was on fire. The barn suffered the same fate as the church did earlier that year.

Pete Rose

We were playing baseball on our lunch break today. Martin is up to bat and I'm on third base. He hits the ball into left and runs for second base. As I cross the plate, I look over and Martin is sliding, Pete Rose style, into second base, however, he forgets to put his arms out and they are stuck underneath him. He stops about a foot short of the bag and appears to be trying to reach the bag with his chin. He then pulls his hand out from underneath him and puts it on the bag right before the secondbaseman steps on his hand. Afterwards, he said he didn't intend to slide, but started to stumble so he went ahead with the "slide".

Martin, remember..... The Pete Rose slide requires extended arms!

Soul on Fire

Of all the great "Martinisms" in his illustrious career, this one certainly stands out as one of the greatest.

When Martin was a young boy he was chosen to be part of a wedding ceremony. His task was to light the candles and then put them out afterwards. To accomplish this he was provided with a long stick that had a lighter on the end, and on the opposite side of the same end was the candle snuffer to extinguish the flame. Unfortunately, no one taught him how to use the device. He was clever enough to figure out how to turn on the lighter, however, he could not figure out to turn it off.

When it was time to light the candles, he had no problem turning the lighter on and lighting the candles. But when he could not get the flame to go out, he just left the lighter running. The problem came when it was time to put the candles out. Martin reached up with the stick to extinguish the candles with the flame still exposed on the opposite side. As he was attempting to extinguish the candles, the flame caught on a nearby curtain (probably not a good idea to put candles next to curtains). The fire quickly spread on the curtains and then onto the freshly revarnished wall, and before long the entire building was engulfed in flames. The church was completely destroyed and Martin was asked to never return.

This is the earliest Martinistic incident that we know of and may explain his never ending bad luck since then.

Martin and the Antique Dish Set

Martin came up to me this morning and said he accidentally figured out a way to get out of doing the dishes. Last night he was washing an antique dish set by hand (At this point in his story I already knew what the outcome was going to be). As he was drying off a dish he turned to put it away, but was not paying attention to what he was doing (surprised?) and crash. After that his wife came in and told him "no dishes or laundry for you" and kicked him out of the kitchen.