Class(less) Action Lawsuit

I am the contracts manager here where we all toil. As the resident scab-knee ambulance chaser, I am frequently besieged by cheapskate buggers in need of free legal advice, and Martin is no exception. However, Martin’s request was slightly removed from the typical “how do I stay out of jail” questions, compelling me to submit for inclusion here.

As we all know, Martin has routine health issues and challenges that are often unfortunate and unavoidable. The list is lengthy, but collectively, the guy’s a wreck. Most of us have some degree of disappointment with how the gene sequencing went when we were conceived, but Martin is different – he has decided to do something about it. Recently, he stopped by my office to ask how he should proceed with a lawsuit against his parents. On what grounds, you ask? “Genetic disadvantage.” That’s right – he wanted to find out whether he could bring a civil action against his mom and dad for handing him less-than-optimum physiology.

Naturally, I was tempted to squirt gasoline on this bizarre, neurotic fire, but I decided to play along. “So you want to drag your own Maw and Paw into a courtroom and savage them in front of a judge and jury because you’re irritated with your physical shortcomings, is that right?”, I asked him. Martin’s response was immediate: “Hell yes!” he said.

The imagery this scenario produces in the mind’s eye is worth the trip. Envision Martin in a suit, leaning jauntily against the witness box, grilling his own mother. Nevermind the fact that a lot of people, spanning hundreds of years of family progression, all contributed in some way to the design and manufacture of Martin. Ignore the self-destructive habits he enjoys. Just visualize “Martin vs. Martin” , coming to a courtroom near you…