All Hands Meeting
Another post from the Contracts guy....
So there we were, enduring yet another gut-wrenching “all hands meeting.” Clearly, this is not exactly the most effective use of time, particularly when you’re sitting on Wal Mart plastic funeral chairs that were designed to make mourners even more miserable, rather than offer an inviting spot to plant your big fat ass. The boss says his piece, then finishes with this line: “Well, that’s all I have, if anybody has questions…” Now a sane, rational person would seize on this golden opportunity to shut the fuck up and allow the segway into our departure to take control, but as we know, Martin has special qualities that prevent him from doing anything of the sort.
It’s not important what Martin asked the boss, and even less important what the boss said. What IS noteworthy here is the subsequent flood of questions from others. Everyone was quite content to let the meeting die out so we could make our hasty retreat, but events tend to take control of life. Like the sword of Damocles, Martin piped up with some prattle about outsourcing and killed us all.
“NO!” I screamed, “Don’t do it!” But it was too late. Like the Eder dam, pounded by the concussion of British demolition bombs in WWII, leaks began to appear. Soon, the rivulets became a torrent, and all the weasel-shit attendees spewed forth their inane snivels, thanks to Martin’s sense of timing, and his willingness to complete his pathfinder mission. In seconds, a dim-witted fat bastard engaged the boss in a spirited exchange of ideas regarding vacation time, and another tapped his toe, waiting for a chance to further fuck it up for all of us.
Meanwhile, Martin took the liberty of leaving the building. Like the snotty little neighborhood kid who runs through your back yard with a broomstick, beating the shit out of hornet’s nests and running away, he was spared the venom of the sting – we were left to deal with the aftermath. Plans are being made at this very moment to pay Martin off for his corrupted views on meeting etiquette. It will be bloody…
posted by Rasheed @ 4:10 PM
2 Comments:
Here’s a “clarification” Martin has demanded regarding his recent inability to shut the fuck up at the end of a meeting.
“In the interest of journalistic accuracy, I am forced to publish this clarification of events from our notorious “all-hands” meeting, and Martin’s part in ensuring we had to stay longer than we should have. While this isn’t exactly a retraction, it’s purpose is to maintain the integrity of the Martin Blog and cement the trust of its readers – it won’t do to have these entries regarded with any degree of skepticism by Blog consumers who place their faith in our representation of truth, justice and the American way.
The reader may recall our general outrage with Martin from his unwillingness to keep his mug shut during the question and answer period following our meeting with the Fearless Leader. As I mentioned, the conclusion of the Boss’ presentation carried with it a certain innuendo that he was finished, and wasn’t really interested in fielding questions. A rational man would’ve taken that as a sign to clam up and enjoy an early exit from this gut-wrenching experience, but some of our fellow inmates couldn’t resist the opportunity to look big in front of their friends. In previous pages of this tedious waste of server space, I accused Martin of raising his hand first, thereby setting into motion a chain of events that kept everyone planted in their cheap, uncomfortable plastic chairs while he (and subsequent fuckfaces) blew yet another half hour of our time asking inane questions. I was wrong.
From a quick review of the videotape, it is now clear that it was Steve, a thoroughly dislikable prick who does something or other (presumably important) with big servers, who actually fired the initial salvo across the bow of sanity with a jerk-off question about vacation policies, or some such nonsense. It was not Martin. I repeat, Martin was not the twat who started it all. However, there are mitigating circumstances (fancy lawyer talk) that make it okay for us to hammer on him just the same. The reader should be mindful of some inescapable truths:
First, and foremost, Martin is a calamity in cheap clothing – the guy could gravely injure himself while seated in the middle of a padded room, shackled and wearing a straight jacket. His capacity for fuck-facery is unquestioned, and these are givens. But the video doesn’t lie. Yes, in Martin’s defense, it was not he who started the nightmare Q & A session, but that fact alone does not (and should not) excuse him from encouraging the boss to speak further, just when we were ready to stampede the exits. There is real culpability here, and short of physical abuse through enlightened application of a blowtorch and a pair of pliers, Martin must accept the consequences.
But we are not unreasonable men. Mean-spirited and fond of needless insults? Sure! But we’re not unreasonable. Fair is fair, and as a result, we uniformly accede to Martin’s demand for accuracy, and have demonstrated that here. Martin, my apologies…
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