Accident Waiting to Happen

Martin has left the building

2007-04-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that there have been no new entries in quite a while, there is a couple reasons for this. First, I've been a bit busy, lazy, and uninspired at the same time due to the second reason. The second reason is that Martin is, unfortunately, no longer with the company, a situation that we are all trying to come to terms with. He was definitely the most entertaining person we have ever worked with and he is most definitely missed. We wish him the best.

There were a few entries that I had never got around to doing, so I will be finishing those off in the coming days... stay tuned...

Power Brakes

2006-11-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

Martin informed us of an accident that he had this Thanksgiving weekend. Martin went somewhere in a hurry and upon returning (in a hurry) decided to shut his car off as he was pulling into the driveway before he had actually stopped. Generally power brakes don't work so well when their power supply has been cut off. As a result, Martin was unable to stop his car and coasted right into the garage door.

Pardon me...

2006-10-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

From Martin's wife:

So, today we're at lunch, eating outside of Qdoba. Martin takes a phone call, and is doing his typical "walk around like a caged monkey while talking on the phone" bit. This guy happened to be walking on the sidewalk and passed by us. He passed by martin, and JUST as he is directly next to martin....Martin turns around w/ his back to the guy, and just lets one rip. Basically he managed to fart ON this poor guy.

I was in momentary horror (wide eyed and all), and was all "MARTIN!!"....and then I started laughing. Then he realized what he did, started laughing, got done w/ his phone call, came over to the table, and was all under his breath "didijustfartonthatguy?"

Um, yeah. NOW you're being all discreet?

That poor guy. He may have to go home and bathe now.

Intervention

2006-09-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

After Martin's little HR incident the team decided to help him out with his hygiene issue. We all chipped in on this little gift box.

HR Violation

2006-09-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

This one is pretty good. Today the boss had to pull Martin into his office to discuss an HR issue. Apparently, someone had made a few complaints to HR about him. At this point your probably thinking, "Oh no, Martin said something stupid too loudly", or "What did he break this time?". However, this one is a little different. The complaints that were made were about the cleanliness of his cube. Not only the appearance, but also the smell. When the boss told him, his response was, "What am I supposed to do? I can't help it if my feet stink!"

Coincidentally, Martin isn't wearing any socks today......Hmmm....

Grandma's Spittoon

2006-09-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

A couple months back Martin went to lunch with another coworker at Subway. As they were leaving Martin forms a big loogie and spits out the window of the car. Suddenly, he yells "Oh S--t! Drive, drive!", "What happened?", "My spit just hit an old lady in the leg!"

Country and Western

2006-09-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not getting anything out for some time, things have been a bit busy around the office. However, that doesn't mean that Martin hasn't kept us entertained. A few weeks back I was sitting in my cube and Martin was talking to someone in an office a couple of aisles away. In a very loud voice I hear Martin blurt out "I don't listen to Country and Western, but I'll ride me a cowgirl!". I am pretty sure half of the office heard him. Yee Haw!

Who needs sunscreen?

2006-07-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

We apologize for not posting for so long, it's been a busy month. We are by no means out of material as Martin does something blogworthy almost everyday.

Martin went and played a round of golf this past weekend... in shorts, which he never wears (I wonder if they were cutoffs???) so his legs are very white. He apparently didn't think he needed to put on sunscreen and is now paying for it. For the first three days of the week he was limping around in pain as the contact of the burn with his pants was very painful. He developed a blister which in turn became infected and even more painful, making his already goofy looking strut into something even more cerebral palsy like. He went to the doctor to have it treated and they gave him antibiotics and a shot of demerol. He should be better soon.

Martin, they make this stuff called sunscreen.... I recommend spf75 or higher.

Something about Martin

2006-06-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Martin was relaying to me something he did recently to himself, that was rather embarrassing and painful at the same time. Without getting into too much detail... I'll say "Something About Mary" and "getting the beans above the frank".... The universe really has a score to settle with Martin.

In his own words....

2006-06-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Martin thought he'd offer up some content himself. All spelling and punctuation are left as Martin wrote it, amen.

When I was 15 my Mom went to the coast with her boyfriend for the weekend So I decided to take the Car (1985 Chevy Blazer(silver)).Me and some friends we going to take it to a Portland so we could go out and do something. Well I made it to the newberg Taco Bell before disaster ensued. Mind you I STOLE THE CAR, WAS 15 AND HAD NO LICENSE,. Well I manged to back the Blazer into a new Dodge Ram. I was 15 I did not back up slowly I was going about 10-15 mph coming out of the parking lot. Blazer as you may know have the spare tire on the back of the vehicle however if you happen to have to change a flat tire. The back of the Car has a 2 foot spear attached to it now. This punctured the Rear Panel of the truck. So me being me and knowing I was pretty much screwed decided to tell the owner that I had just wrecked hit truck. Easy Right? So I go into taco bell and ask who owns the green dodge ram, A Hispanic male comes to the front counter, He does not speak English and I am only on my second year of Spanish so I know Hola, and el Carro and a whole bunch of swear words. It took me about 10 times of el Carro el Broko before I realized he would not understand it. I motioned for him to come out side and when he saw the truck he let off a Sentence I understood, Mind you I only knew High, Car and Swear words. So top that off I figure I am already dead, so I take the car back to McMinnville and drive down town where all the high school kids hang out and yelled party at my house (Mom’s Going to kill me So why Not party). By 11:00 I had wrecked the car, Thourougly thrashed my Mom’s house and managed to puck Strawberries on the new white carpet (Why she got White Carpet with Three Teenagers in the house is beyond me.) So There is the first story involving car’s, next one coming latter today is A BUS WITH OUT BRAKES.

Martin Comic

2006-06-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

We think this is rather appropriate...

Captain Concussion

2006-06-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Martin gained this title while he was working a construction job (I know, the occupation should be illegal for Martin). Always eager to help his coworkers, Martin went up a short flight of stairs to get a tool for his boss. On the way back down, he figured he could get there quicker by jumping down the stairs. He didn't realize this was not possible because there was a soffit (The underside of a structural component, such as a beam, arch, staircase, or cornice) above the staircase. So as he jumped down, his head smacked squarely on the soffit, swinging his lower body forward so that he landed on his back. He was out cold for a couple on minutes.

That was not the only time he accomplished this feat. Here is his description of the second time:

"The next one came at the house I am currently living in. My brother was ill and needed his puke bucket from up stairs. So I flew up the stairs and successfully obtained the bucket however on my way back down stairs in my haste I decided to jump from the 4th stair down to the landing(I really should have not jumped or waited until I was atleast at the 1st or second stair. There is a skull imprint in the sofit at my house now."

I asked him if he needed to go to the hospital for any of these, his response was: "No hospital I don’t need no stickin hospital, no concusions, the second one did not knock me out just dazed me. I have a hard head."

Obviously there was a concussion and he is still feeling the effects.

Martin the Superhero

2006-06-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

This is Martin if he was a Superhero:

Small 'blip' on the radar

2006-06-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

We went to a local fast food chain for lunch today, and took Martin along. After we finished eating, and we were just sitting around BS'ing, Martin got up and headed off to the restroom. He notices that there was some 'scenery' over placing orders and turns slightly to have a look while still walking towards the restroom. Martin's course is obviously affected by the distraction and he walks and bounces off the corner of the entry way to the bathrooms and makes a pseudo-graceful recovery and continues right into the bathroom...

Faulty Chair?

2006-05-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

In our office we have these nice adjustable chairs with a pretty wide wheel base at the bottom, so they are very stable. Stable enough that you should be able to fall asleep in them without falling out (Don't ask how I know). Apparently that is not stable enough for Martin. This morning he went to get out of his seat and while pushing away from his desk the back wheel got caught on a pen ( or cord?) and his chair flipped over with him still in it.

We've try to recreate the incident, but can't seem to figure it out.... Don't worry, Martin was not injured.

Also worthy of note, Martin was running late to work this morning, so he hurriedly tried to get dressed while working his way towards the door. He started to put on his hooded sweatshirt as he was going down the stairs only to find that he was putting it on backwards. Naturally, with a hooded sweatshirt on backwards one cannot see where they are going. Thus, Martin ran smack into the wall. Again.... Don't worry, Martin was not hurt.

Barn Burner part II

2006-05-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

This is the final entry for Martin's two year accidental arson spree occurring in his youth from ages 9-11 (No pun intended...but it does seem to fit). After Martin torched the barn the first time, the family put up another barn since they lived on a farm and needed one. Apparently, they did not learn their lesson the first time and built the new barn with wood.

The next conflagration is a little different from the previous ones in that the previous ones were "freak" accidents whereas this was more of an accident caused through pre-adolescent stupidity. Martin had learned (in boy scouts, I believe... I wonder what badges he earned...) how to start a fire with materials other than matches (...of which he was, apparently, already an expert). He wanted to test his new skills, of all places, in the barn where no one could see him to see if could make a flame thrower. So he got a hold of a flint, a piece of steel, and some aqua-net and went to work. And, as you would expect, it didn't take him long to roast the barn ... again.

This time his parents learned their lesson and made a new barn out of metal..... not that Martin couldn't find a way....

All Hands Meeting

2006-05-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

Another post from the Contracts guy....

So there we were, enduring yet another gut-wrenching “all hands meeting.” Clearly, this is not exactly the most effective use of time, particularly when you’re sitting on Wal Mart plastic funeral chairs that were designed to make mourners even more miserable, rather than offer an inviting spot to plant your big fat ass. The boss says his piece, then finishes with this line: “Well, that’s all I have, if anybody has questions…” Now a sane, rational person would seize on this golden opportunity to shut the fuck up and allow the segway into our departure to take control, but as we know, Martin has special qualities that prevent him from doing anything of the sort.

It’s not important what Martin asked the boss, and even less important what the boss said. What IS noteworthy here is the subsequent flood of questions from others. Everyone was quite content to let the meeting die out so we could make our hasty retreat, but events tend to take control of life. Like the sword of Damocles, Martin piped up with some prattle about outsourcing and killed us all.

“NO!” I screamed, “Don’t do it!” But it was too late. Like the Eder dam, pounded by the concussion of British demolition bombs in WWII, leaks began to appear. Soon, the rivulets became a torrent, and all the weasel-shit attendees spewed forth their inane snivels, thanks to Martin’s sense of timing, and his willingness to complete his pathfinder mission. In seconds, a dim-witted fat bastard engaged the boss in a spirited exchange of ideas regarding vacation time, and another tapped his toe, waiting for a chance to further fuck it up for all of us.

Meanwhile, Martin took the liberty of leaving the building. Like the snotty little neighborhood kid who runs through your back yard with a broomstick, beating the shit out of hornet’s nests and running away, he was spared the venom of the sting – we were left to deal with the aftermath. Plans are being made at this very moment to pay Martin off for his corrupted views on meeting etiquette. It will be bloody…

Martin the Track Star???

2006-05-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

We have not yet confirmed it, but we believe that it is Martin in this video:

http://www.break.com/index/celebrateearly1.html

Class(less) Action Lawsuit

2006-05-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am the contracts manager here where we all toil. As the resident scab-knee ambulance chaser, I am frequently besieged by cheapskate buggers in need of free legal advice, and Martin is no exception. However, Martin’s request was slightly removed from the typical “how do I stay out of jail” questions, compelling me to submit for inclusion here.

As we all know, Martin has routine health issues and challenges that are often unfortunate and unavoidable. The list is lengthy, but collectively, the guy’s a wreck. Most of us have some degree of disappointment with how the gene sequencing went when we were conceived, but Martin is different – he has decided to do something about it. Recently, he stopped by my office to ask how he should proceed with a lawsuit against his parents. On what grounds, you ask? “Genetic disadvantage.” That’s right – he wanted to find out whether he could bring a civil action against his mom and dad for handing him less-than-optimum physiology.

Naturally, I was tempted to squirt gasoline on this bizarre, neurotic fire, but I decided to play along. “So you want to drag your own Maw and Paw into a courtroom and savage them in front of a judge and jury because you’re irritated with your physical shortcomings, is that right?”, I asked him. Martin’s response was immediate: “Hell yes!” he said.

The imagery this scenario produces in the mind’s eye is worth the trip. Envision Martin in a suit, leaning jauntily against the witness box, grilling his own mother. Nevermind the fact that a lot of people, spanning hundreds of years of family progression, all contributed in some way to the design and manufacture of Martin. Ignore the self-destructive habits he enjoys. Just visualize “Martin vs. Martin” , coming to a courtroom near you…

Hot Pants!

2006-05-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

It seems there is a theme to Martin's mayhem--fire. Martin was relaying a story to me about this one time at band camp...

Martin was driving his car and had a buddy sitting with him in the front passenger seat. The windows were down, the radio was on and they were cruising down some country lane.

If it hasn't been mentioned before, Martin likes to smoke, and naturally, what better way to accentuate a nice drive than to enjoy a cigarette. He's done, so he flicks the 'butt' out the open window.

A few minutes later his friend begins to shriek in pain about his crotch being on fire and starts batting at his lap. Evidently the butt Martin flicked out the window got sucked back into the car and landed in his buddies lap where it smoldered for a few minutes before it burned through his jeans then heating up his tender bits.

Martin said he learned a valuable lesson that day; to always flick your butts straight up... uh, wouldn't the lesson have been not to flick butts at all?

Grandma iCandy?

2006-05-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Martin just stormed in my office and said he is being a good employee by letting me know there was this iCandy in one of our co-worker's cube for some reason and I needed to check it out.

So off we went starting up a make-believe conversation so we can stop in front of said cube and check out this sexy woman that Martin was so excited about. One thing everyone needs to know, there are no hot women here where we work so anything that comes remotely close to attractive, the guys are all over it. Some employees (I will not say the name) take it a bit further and hit on anything that moves, but that's a different story for a different time.

As we finally make it to destination iCandy we stop in front of her cube and I position myself to check her out. As I turn my head, my eyes got a rude awakening looking at a woman that looks like someone's grandma with a skirt on. Immediately "mission is aborted" and we return back to my office as I turn to Martin and tell him how sick of a man he is and she looked more like Grandma iCandy. Martin swore she looked a lot better when he first glanced over and maybe 20 years ago she was hot.....I would say more like 40 years ago, but hey if grandmas are what catches Martin's eye, more power to him.

Cable Guy

2006-05-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

So I had Martin help me connect up my brand new 42" Plasma tv.....yes, I know, asking Martin to help help me with my new expensive tv, what was I thinking.... but hey I was desperate and didn't have any money to hire someone.

Anyways, he came over in the morning while my wife was still sleeping upstairs and we worked on all the wires in the back of the entertainment center. I went to go check on my wife about 10 minutes into it and she asked "are there like 6 people downstairs cause its so loud?", to which I told her no it's just Martin. She was shocked at this beast downstairs that was so loud that the walls were shaking.

So I went back downstairs to work with Martin on the Plasma connections and we had moved my couch all the way in front of the Entertainment center so we can lean the Plasma on it while working on the wires. Martin then bent down between the couch and the entertainment center so he can connect the wires to the back of the plasma and this is what I next hear:

"Hey Boss, can you push my head up". To which I said what?? He then informed me that his body was stuck between the couch and the entertainment center and he could not move up and needed me to push his face upwards so his body would get unstuck and stand up straight. Apparently Martin tried to move his body up on his own but since his knee was locked and stuck against the entertainment center, and he couldn't reach the ground with his other foot to leverage and get up. So his one leg was kinda dangling between the couch and the floor and he was moving his foot back and forth violently but with no luck.

So after laughing for awhile, I finally pushed his face up and he finally was no longer stuck. I quickly realized I took a big gamble having Martin help me out, not only for my Plasma's sake but for Martin's own sake.

The Gods Must be Crazy!

2006-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen the movie "The Gods Must be Crazy"? If have not seen this classic, it's a movie where a pilot drops a coke bottle out of his plane near a small bushman tribe in Africa. They find the bottle and find that it is useful that they began fighting over it and it quickly becomes a big problem. The head bushman decides that the bottle must go and takes off to throw it off the end of the earth (the ocean).

The next event of Martin's accidental arson spree took place within a year of the previous incident and is reminiscent of the bushman tribe's tribulations brought about by the exact same object. Martin and his brother found a coke bottle on his street and decided to play baseball with it. Martin ended up knocking it into a neighbor's wheatfield ending their coke bottle baseball game. The difference between Martin's story and the movie was that Martin's problems did not begin until after the coke bottle was disposed of. Apparently, when the bottle went into the neighbor's field it was summer time and conditions were hot and dry. Somehow the bottle magnified the rays of the sun and a few hours later the wheatfield was ablaze. It ended up taking out about 75% of the neighbor's crop. The fire department identified that it was the coke bottle that started fire, but Martin was never identified as the culprit. Martin finds solace in the fact that the neighbor had insurance, so all of the loss was covered and it saved them considerable harvest work.

Miscellaneous Martinisms

2006-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Martin just came by my cube and said he had pulled his hamstring today when he attempted to give a coworker a little kick for making a smart comment.

He also revealed that when he had seen the "Blair Witch Project" at the theater all the camera motion made him sick enough that he threw up on himself while seated in the theater. He said he then had to leave early because he couldn't stand the smell... Not sure why he couldn't make it to the bathroom to throw up.

All in a day's work...

Barn Burner

2006-05-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

Evidently, the church incident was not Martin's only fire incident during his youth. In fact, it was only the tip of the iceberg. The "Soul of Fire" entry got his wife to give us a couple more leads for other occurrences that Martin had not shared with us yet. Thanks Adena!

The next incident occurred within a year after the church incident. Martin's family lived on a farm which included a barn. Apparently, there was no power to the barn, so a kerosene lamp was used for lighting. One evening Martin left the barn and closed the door behind him, however, he had difficulty closing the door and slammed it in order to get it shut. This, apparently, knocked the lamp off of the wall without him knowing.

A little while later they looked out of the window and saw that the barn was on fire. The barn suffered the same fate as the church did earlier that year.

Pete Rose

2006-05-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

We were playing baseball on our lunch break today. Martin is up to bat and I'm on third base. He hits the ball into left and runs for second base. As I cross the plate, I look over and Martin is sliding, Pete Rose style, into second base, however, he forgets to put his arms out and they are stuck underneath him. He stops about a foot short of the bag and appears to be trying to reach the bag with his chin. He then pulls his hand out from underneath him and puts it on the bag right before the secondbaseman steps on his hand. Afterwards, he said he didn't intend to slide, but started to stumble so he went ahead with the "slide".

Martin, remember..... The Pete Rose slide requires extended arms!

Soul on Fire

2006-05-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

Of all the great "Martinisms" in his illustrious career, this one certainly stands out as one of the greatest.

When Martin was a young boy he was chosen to be part of a wedding ceremony. His task was to light the candles and then put them out afterwards. To accomplish this he was provided with a long stick that had a lighter on the end, and on the opposite side of the same end was the candle snuffer to extinguish the flame. Unfortunately, no one taught him how to use the device. He was clever enough to figure out how to turn on the lighter, however, he could not figure out to turn it off.

When it was time to light the candles, he had no problem turning the lighter on and lighting the candles. But when he could not get the flame to go out, he just left the lighter running. The problem came when it was time to put the candles out. Martin reached up with the stick to extinguish the candles with the flame still exposed on the opposite side. As he was attempting to extinguish the candles, the flame caught on a nearby curtain (probably not a good idea to put candles next to curtains). The fire quickly spread on the curtains and then onto the freshly revarnished wall, and before long the entire building was engulfed in flames. The church was completely destroyed and Martin was asked to never return.

This is the earliest Martinistic incident that we know of and may explain his never ending bad luck since then.

Martin and the Antique Dish Set

2006-05-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

Martin came up to me this morning and said he accidentally figured out a way to get out of doing the dishes. Last night he was washing an antique dish set by hand (At this point in his story I already knew what the outcome was going to be). As he was drying off a dish he turned to put it away, but was not paying attention to what he was doing (surprised?) and crash. After that his wife came in and told him "no dishes or laundry for you" and kicked him out of the kitchen.

Fire Marshal Martin

2006-04-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Another from the Wife's files on Martin:

So, last night, Martin decides he wants to cook some steak.

We've got these cast iron skillets, and martin insists on "cleaning" them by just cooking oil in them. (personally, this grosses me out, whether or not this is "how it's done", and I end up washing them normally when he's not looking. Shh....)

Anyhow, he pours oil in a pan, gets a phone call about some computer issue, and LEAVES THE OIL COOKING IN THE PAN.

I'm sitting in the livingroom, and i hear this *POOF*. I look into the kitchen area, and see an eerie orange glow. Uht oh. So, I hastily put the baby down, run into the kitchen, and see this:

So, i'm screaming "FIRE!", and martin comes running into the kitchen, picks up the frying pan, is holding it out in the middle of the kitchen, screaming "Baking Soda!".

Meanwhile, ALL of the fire alarms in the house have gone off, startling the baby into crying, the cat into histronics, and probably our neighbors wondering what the hell is going on. (I should state that Arianna slept through the ENTIRE commotion.)

I can't find baking soda, martin realizes "cast iron skillet + Fire = HOT!, and sets the pan BACK ON THE STOVE, and it's still flaming. I'm yelling at him to take it outside, not to put it back under WOODEN CABINENTS, and he runs out the back door w/ flaming skillet of death.

It finally went out on the back porch.

I'm guessing our neighbors think we're crackheads.

Martin took it as an Omen to NOT cook, and we had hot pockets for dinner.

Badge Problems

2006-04-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went over to a coworker's cube to discuss a work issue around lunch time and during our discussion he noticed that there was a guest badge sitting on his desk. He figured out it was Martin's, who was out to lunch. This meant not only did he forget his badge, but now he was out of the building with no way in except to go get, yet another, guest badge.

I saw him later that afternoon and asked how he got back in without his badge. He said that he realized he forgot it and then found one of the 4 or 5 guest badges that he has in his car (I'm sure the receptionist would love to hear that), however, on his way back from lunch he pulled out of his pocket as we was going over a parking lot storm drain and accidentally dropped it in. Typical Martin.

Martin Vs. PSI

2006-04-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Another we lifted from the wife's site (thanks to her for alerting us to this one!):

So, my friend Emily was not at work yesterday, and missed my rendition over AIM of this story. It's too classic not to share, so I figure I'll share w/ complete strangers as well!

Now, my other half.....he's brilliant when it comes to computers, but home improvement....well, that's debateable. I think....no, let me rephrase, I KNOW, that I am better at most of it then him. Just my MOTIVATION to crawl on the roof, or under the house, where all the nasty spiders hang out, is a little lacking. But, I digress....

Martin, being a boy, figures he is infallable when it comes to doing anything remotely "mannish". He IS a man, after all...therefore, his word is solid, & he KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!! So, the other day, a leak develops in my daughter's closet...(the water pipes from the shower intersect in there).

Well, Martin dutifully goes to Home Depot and picks up the necessary parts to "fix" the problem. He decides to fix it after he gets home from work, and it is dark outside. Now, we've never had a problem w/ the plumbing since we've been here, so we never had to seek out the water main. Therefore, we didn't have a clue where it was, and being dark outside, we couldn't find it.

Martin thinks that SOMEHOW it's a reasonable idea to just fix the problem w/ the water on. The water will only spray out a "little bit...It's fine, don't question my word, I'm infallable". I mean, what was I THINKING, questioning his "mannish abilities"? So, whatever, I forsee disaster, and leave the room.

2 seconds later, we have now acquired "Old Faithful #2" in my daughter's closet. The force of the water is coming out so strong, it's physically pushing him out of the closet, so the chances of him getting the bolt on is pretty much not happening. Meanwhile, he's screaming at ME to do something. (Of course, I'm the woman...I fix the messes his "mannish abilities" create) So, I'm running to the neighbors, asking if they know where the water mains are, since SUPPOSEDLY we all have the same setup. We can't find it, Martin is ripping the underskirting of our house off trying to look under the house to find water pipes.....chaos reigns supreme.

So, TWENTY FRIGGEN MINUTES later, our next door neighbor shows up, and shows us where the water main is. UNDER THE GROUND, under a green plastic cover, which is, OF COURSE, covered by the GREEN GRASS of our front lawn. Brilliant engineers that thought THAT one up. But, again, I digress..... My house is now a flood zone.

I've decided we really need to take disaster preparedness courses. We really don't handle ourselves well in emergencies. I remember when we lived in Colorado, our gas furnace's pilot light went out. We didn't know how to re-light it, so we survived the night, with no heat, in NEGATIVE 20 degree weather. Yeah....we need classes....

What you get when mixing Martin, Baseball, a wallet chain and dress shoes

2006-04-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

So last summer a bunch of thought it would be fun to get out in the nice weather and play some baseball. Since none of us are pros we knew someone would fall or make an a$$ of themselves. Should've known it would be Martin since he decided it was perfectly acceptable to play baseball in his rockport style work shoes, jeans and a wallet chain hanging down by his side. Meanwhile, the rest of us changed into our workout/outdoor play clothes.

Anyways, to the story ...I think it was our first time out and we had enough players so we decided to play a modified game of baseball (double-or-nothing). I was at shortstop and Martin was at third base. Someone hits a good ground ball towards third, so Martin spastically reacts, goes down and stretches for the ball. Naturally I figured it would be an easy throw-out at second base, so I head towards the bag. While glancing back I see what looks like Martin getting all tangled in his wallet chain, falling down (of course) and disappearing in a cloud of dust. I jog over to see if he's alright and he pops up and starts limping and laughing. All over a routine ground ball.

The end of the story is that since Martin wore his work clothes and proceeded to fall down he was now covered in dry dirt. He tried brushing off, but there was just too much. Therefore, at the end of the day his cube looked like a dust storm hit. I'm sure the cleaning crew were busy that day.

I'll take a Latte'd Lap for $500 Alex...

2006-04-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

So this morning we take Martin with us to get coffee at the local *$'s. We get our coffee and are sitting down, and he notices his cousin (and his cousin's coworkers) are sitting across the way and they exchange greetings. As Martin sits down, he puts both hands around his coffee and tips it over into his lap in one sweeping motion. Instantly he's cursing with hot foaming coffee all over the front of him, the table, the floor, and his boss. The cousin and coworkers are having a good laugh too. Martins' cousin said that was nothing; just imagine seeing him grow up and all the mishaps...

Yay! Drunken Monkeys!!

2006-04-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Another post from his wife's blog:

Yay! Drunken Monkeys!!

I should really have a category for "Stupid Martin Tricks".

Anyhow, the name of the title comes from yesterday, after Martin agreed to give Jack a shower. He yelled "Hey, bring me the baby" from the bathroom, and SOMEHOW I heard "Yay! Drunken Monkeys!". It also made me wonder exactly WHAT he was doing in the shower, to inspire such an excited exclamation.

I also thought it was a very appropriate title, given what happened last night:
We went to our friends' house to play poker. They have 3 kids, and add our 2, and it's unorganized chaos in that house. Martin and "Male Friend" went to get mexican food. They also decided to stop by the liquor store. When they got back, I decided I didn't really want mexican, as I'd had it about 3 days in a row, so I drove myself to the Thai place.

When I got back w/ my food, the boys were nicely toasted. Expensive Scotch Whiskey will do that to you...fast.

So, as I sat down at the table to eat, the following chaos ensued:
Somehow, in Martin's drunken stupor, as he was standing by the poker table, he turned around and decided that Jack's infant carseat, that was sitting on the FLOOR, had somehow morphed into a full size adult chair. Therefore, he decided to sit on it.

As he fell (naturally) backwards, the contents of the tumbler of scotch he was holding were flung sideways.....STRAIGHT into Jack's face....who was innocently laying on the floor on the other side of the table.

Now, as I'm sitting at the table, I'm kind-of in that state where I see everything happening, but I'm helpless to stop it. I see Martin fall, and I look over at Jack, and this is the scene as played out on Jack's face:

"Oh look, Dad is trying to sit in my carseat. Haha! He's falling, that's funn.....WHOA...WTF IS ON MY FACE?? OH SHIT! IT BURNS!! I'M GOING TO SCREAM NOW!! LOUDLY!!"

So, I run over and scoop Jack up, take him to the sink, and start washing his face off, mad because my baby just had Scotch thrown in his eyes, but kind-of laughing, because what a friggen comedy of errors!!

I get the Scotch off, and Jack's cries have changed from "Ow!" to pure, rightous fury, so I know he's alright. Then Martin decides to help. He proceeds to dump water over the top of Jack's head....igniting even MORE screams of pure fury.

*sigh*

I got the whole thing eventually calmed down, but I do believe that this will be a moment that will be forever memorialized in my mind...and WILL be brought up as the situation calls for it.

"Hey Martin....remember when you nearly blinded your son...?"

False Advertising??

2006-04-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

From his wife's blog:

False Advertising??

Ok, I realize I just posted, but this is priceless.

Martin took a shower a while ago, and was puttering around the house for a couple hours. He came upstairs just a minute ago, and laid down next to me. I caught a glimpse of something funky going on w/ his neck as he laid down. It was almost like he'd gotten some writing tattoo'd on his neck.

Me- "WTF is on your neck??" *moves neckline of his hoodie to get a better view*

Him- "What?"

Me- *Hysterical Laughter* "G-g-g-GO look at yourself in the mirror!!"

Him- *Dutifully heads towards the bathroom* "OOOH!! Is THAT what that feeling was?? I kept thinking I was getting a sore throat. I kept feeling at that spot, wondering why it felt so tight!"

Me- *More laughter at his expense*

What "THAT" was, was one of those stickers they put on the front of tee-shirts. You know the long sticker that says repeatedly what size the shirt is? This one was proudly proclaiming that Martin was "XL", about 7 times over.

Me- "Sooo......I guess you think you're Xtra Large, eh?"

Him- "Shut up."

My Aching Headboard....

2006-04-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

This is one of my personal favorites... Martin told us a story a while back about how he woke up one morning and was having trouble rolling onto his side. Each time he tried something would start to choke him. He opened his eyes and discovered that he was looking between the wall and the headboard. Somehow, while sleeping, his head had squeezed through the posts in his headboard and now he was stuck. No matter how much he squirmed and panicked, he could not get free. Unfortunately for him, everyone was gone and his wife would not be home for a couple of hours.

Next he was faced with another dilemma. As most people do first thing in the morning, Martin needed to take his morning leak. He didn't think he was going to be able wait until his wife returned, so he he began looking for an alternative way of relieving himself. He reached over to the nightstand and located an empty Mountain Dew bottle that he was able to use. It did the job, but he had to deal with the "fresh aroma" until his wife returned.

When his puzzled wife finally returned she walked in and said "What in the hell are you doing?" I don't really know the details of the conversation at that point, but I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall. She then went out to the garage and grabbed the skillsaw and fired it up without Martin seeing what she was doing. When he heard it, he flipped out and told her no to come near him with the saw. He asked her to go get some butter and that did the trick.

Mick Jagger

2006-04-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering "Why is there a picture of Mick Jagger for Martin's profile?". This is because as I was watching possibility the worst Superbowl half time show ever, I noticed that Martin had a striking resemblence to Mick Jagger. Not only in appearance, but also in his "pimp strut". Since then the Mick Jagger nickname has stuck.

The purpose...

2006-04-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

We have a co-worker named Martin, who happens to have some really bad luck. These are his stories....